


Repentance

by rottenrosette



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Am I doing this right?, Anyways this is a oneshot where Kieran finally apologizes to Lauren, F/M, Gen, I've never done this before so I'm kinda nervous, are indentations not a thing here?, because that's Literally All I Want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:20:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26162545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rottenrosette/pseuds/rottenrosette
Summary: One way or another, all we get are things we don’t deserve.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White
Comments: 13
Kudos: 42





	Repentance

There was no getting used to it.

He had already been working at the precinct for about a week. Every day, Lauren had to grin and bear it as Kym shamelessly ogled him whenever he made his way to the archives in the morning. Every day she had to see him. That face. And every day she had to pretend it didn’t affect her--that his presence didn’t paralyze her entire body; that her heart didn’t race at the sound of his approaching footsteps; that she didn’t grit her teeth and tremble with rage every time her dearest friends came near him.

There was no getting used to _Kieran_.

If seeing him when she arrived in the morning was the worst part of her day, seeing him as she left for patrol was the second worst. Every time she and the other officers went out for patrol, Kieran was always out of the archives room, for whatever reason, lingering in the hallway. This meant that Lauren always passed him on her way out, and every time the sight of his face sent a rush of adrenaline through her heart.

Every. Damn. Time.

She tried to suppress it. She tried, but failed. So she quickly decided that the best way to minimize the inevitable was simply by rushing out of the office ahead of everyone else. Yeah, she realized that she probably looked absolutely ridiculous, but it was better than being in Kieran’s presence even a second longer than she had to. After a couple of days, Kym quickly caught on and teased Lauren for it, asking if she was on some kind of mission. Lauren forced out a laugh at the time.

It was a week since his arrival now, and Lauren was still using this strategy. When it was time to go out for duty that day, Lauren dropped what she was doing, grabbed her white mask and made a beeline for the door, rushing past the other officers as they leisurely stood from their desks and took the time to push in their chairs. Some gave her quizzical looks, but no one said anything. Except for Kym.

After Lauren had marched down the hallway, passing Kieran as she always did, and made her way out of the police station, Kym caught up with her. “Lauren!” She called after her. Lauren turned at the sound of her name to see her there. Kym continued: “You’ve been leaving so fast, I hardly have time to...Hey, where’s your jacket?”

Lauren looked down at herself. Surely enough, in her haste, she’d forgotten to bring her jacket with her.

Crap.

“Oh, well…” Lauren searched for words as the rest of the officers started pouring out of the station. “I don’t really need it, do I?”

“I mean, it kinda completes the whole look, dontcha think?” Kym gestured to herself and posed, sticking her tongue out. “Anyway, it’s part of our uniform. Not to mention it’s freezing out here.”

“Right. Uh...Do you think you can get it for me, Kym?”

“Well, sure, but...is everything okay, Lauren? I feel like you’ve been acting differently lately…” 

Panic arose in Lauren’s chest. Thankfully, the sound of Will’s voice calling after Kym took Lauren off the spot, at least for a moment. “What’s with the holdup, Ladell?”

“Just a _minute_ , Hawkes!” Kym grunted in exasperation, prompting Will to march over to them. 

“Is there a _problem_ , you two? We’ve got to get a move on—Are you feeling alright, Lauren?” Will’s face softened as he looked at her, concern in his voice.

She sighed. “Everything’s fine. Nevermind, Kym. I’ll go get it myself.” And before either of them could question her further, Lauren hurried back into the police station, thankful to get away from the burden of their worried looks, but dreading the mere _chance_ of seeing Kieran inside.

So Lauren made her way back to the office, her stride purposeful and her eyes focused directly ahead of her—as if catching his face in the corner of her eye, even by accident, would put her in danger. She practically ran down the hall, desperate to get out of that building as quickly as possible. When Lauren reached the door to the office, she swung it open, marched to her desk and retrieved her jacket. It wasn’t until then that she finally looked up and realized that she wasn’t alone in the room. And the very thing that she’d been dreading for a week now had finally come true.

  
  


Because _he_ was standing there.

  
  


And she was face to face with him.

  
  


All because of some stupid jacket.

  
  
  
  
  


They were both frozen. Neither of them could move. Lauren noticed Kieran’s body go rigid, his eyes wide with surprise at the sight of her. Lauren felt as if heavy chains around her ankles kept her weighed down to the floor, trapping her there.

Neither of them spoke.

Lauren’s eyes were ablaze.

_What is he even doing here, anyway?_

Finally the paralysis that had gripped her released its hold, and she forced herself to speak her first words to him in days.

“...I have to go.”

“Lauren—” Kieran started.

But Lauren was already on her way out. “I have patrol.”

“Lauren, wait—“

He tried following her. Without stopping for him, she muttered, “I _don’t_ want to speak to you right now, Kieran. I thought I’d made that rather clear.”

He continued after her, and she instinctively backed away from him, like a frightened animal. This time she stopped and turned to face him.

“And don’t you _dare_ come within another _inch_ of me.” She tried to look him in his eyes, but they were so piercing, like daggers, that she quickly faltered.

“I won’t.” He took a step back.

_I can’t stand this distance between us,_ he thought.

“I...I just want to talk about what happened that day.

“In the cave.”

Lauren shifted uncomfortably. “...I’d really rather not.”

“Lauren, we have to. _I_ have to—“

“What is there to talk about?” Her hand clenched into a fist around her jacket. “You grabbed me by the throat, shoved me into a wall and choked me half to death, you _bastard_.”

“I know. That’s exactly it. I—“

“You _hurt_ me.”

His heart stung. “I…”

All the memories of it came rushing back. His hand around her neck. His harsh, inescapable grip. His fingers digging into her flesh. His relentless glare and remorseless words. _That_ _look_ in his eyes.

Then, in a low, careful voice, Lauren whispered,

  
  
  


_“You scared me.”_

  
  
  


She looked away from him then, refusing to show any emotion in front of him. Refusing to look anything less than stoic. No, she wouldn’t. Not to him.

And yet, try as she did, she couldn’t help the tears that began to form in her eyes. She tried to will it to stop, but her body betrayed her. A reflex that couldn’t be resisted. _No_ , she thought. _Stop! I won’t cry in front of him. Not_ for _him_. She sniffed and looked upwards, to the ceiling, in a futile attempt to keep the tears from falling, though this only made them more obvious. So she tried to blink them back. A mistake.

A tear rolled down each cheek.

_Well, f*ck._

She dropped her head in defeat. Her bottom lip trembled, and her hand curled more tightly around her coat, gripping onto it desperately, like a child holding onto a toy for comfort.

Her heart was beating so fast. _How pathetic I must look_ , she thought. _How weak._ Lauren tried to control her breathing, but it came in and out in stuttering, sharp breaths. Shallow breaths. 

Strangled.

It was painful to see her like this. “Lauren, I--”

She glanced in his direction, before quickly looking away again. She wanted to wipe her eyes, but somehow that seemed worse than simply allowing the tears to fall. Like an admission that they were even there.

Kieran looked on, struggling for words, so desperately that it was like gasping for breath. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.” 

She thought she felt the bruises throbbing on her neck.

_“But you did.”_

Another twinge in his chest. He deserved this pain, he knew. It wouldn’t be anything near what he’d already put her through. He wished she could do it to him, just so he could feel what she’d felt. _I want to feel what you felt,_ he thought. _Hurt me, and hurt me more. I deserve it, Lauren. I deserve it._

  
  


_There’s nothing I can ever do to make it up to her._

  
  
  
  


_But still, I..._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’m sorry,” he finally said.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I hurt you, and I shouldn’t have.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“Forgive me.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His voice was weak and fragile, flickering like candlelight. Quivering and helpless. The words sounded so measly and pathetic now that he’d spoken them, and no amount of sincerity could make them feel like enough. He didn’t deserve forgiveness. _Hurt me like I hurt you. Don’t forgive me, Lauren,_ he thought _. Don’t forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I know I don’t._ But still he ached for it so desperately. _Forgive me_ , he begged silently.

_Forgive me._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Lauren set her jaw.

_He isn’t lying,_ she thought. To think the Purple Hyacinth himself was standing before her, pleading for her forgiveness. It was certainly a sight. What would his colleagues think? When was the last time Kieran had to apologize for anything at all?

Indeed, he wasn’t lying.

But she’d trusted him before when he hadn’t lied--and look where that had gotten her.

_It’s just too hard to believe._

“You’re _sorry_?” She began, her voice trembling. “What happened to strangling me with your bare hands, ‘without shedding a single tear’, huh?”

Kieran swallowed hard.

“How can I ever see you...the way I used to see you...ever again? How can I ever go back to that? The way I felt about you, and the way you made me feel will never be the same, Kieran.” She drew in a shaky breath. “How am I supposed to forgive that?”

His gaze drifted to the fading bruises on her neck.

  
  


_“You had your hand...around my throat.”_

  
  


What could he possibly say to her?

“You have every right not to forgive me. I’m not implying you have to--“

“You’re _damn right_ I don’t have to.”

Kieran’s eyes looked pleading. “Lauren, I don’t expect your forgiveness. But if there is anything that I can possibly do to earn it, I’ll do it.”

“What _can_ you do? What can be done that could _possibly_ make up for it?”

“I’d do anything. I’d take it back if I had the power.”

Lauren glanced around the room, as if avoiding the weight of the look in his eyes. “Tell me something.”

He was silent. In a voice quieter than a whisper, yet somehow heavier, and harsher, Lauren asked, “ _Why_ did you do it?”

Kieran’s throat tightened. He felt constricted. Suffocated. Strangled. _Now_ she was making him feel what she had, if only barely. But he deserved it, so he took the meager punishment gratefully. He opened his mouth to speak and forced out the words,

_“I don’t know.”_

He was being honest again. But Lauren narrowed her eyes. “You know what I think, Kieran? I don’t think you can handle it. I don’t think you can handle being confronted with what you do. I think that’s why you hurt me.”

Kieran’s hand twitched.

“You may be right.”

“You think so?” Lauren raised an eyebrow. She was pressing for more now, challenging him to give her more answers. Whether she received them seemed completely doubtful to her, given how closed off they’d been to each other even while working cooperatively together. And it seemed that Kieran wanted things to remain that way.

“...I’m starting to miss when we had no personal questions.”

Lauren almost rolled her eyes. “The deal’s off, remember? The rules don’t apply.”

Kieran released an unsteady breath.

“When you called me...that _word_...something in me broke,” Kieran sighed, speaking slowly. “It was like a trigger was pulled. I can’t explain it. Obviously, you aren’t the first person to call me a monster,” Kieran forced a strained smile. “But hearing it coming from you...I know it doesn’t excuse what I did. I can’t explain it. I just lost my grip. And I never want to do that again. Especially not around you.”

Lauren looked to the side. “...I shouldn’t have called you that.”

“But you were right. You had every reason to call me that.”

“But I also have to understand that...what you do...is your job,” Lauren admitted. “I can’t expect you to go against orders. And I also can’t expect you to give me a heads up every time you carry them out.”

“Perhaps I could’ve at least told you.”

“Maybe. It certainly would’ve been a nice warning,” Lauren sighed. “I just got mad. I was mad that you were acting so flippant about it, like it didn’t matter. Like you didn’t care. Like it was all a joke to you.”

“I think...a part of me didn’t want to take it seriously,” he confessed. “It’s just as you said. Maybe I can’t handle being faced with it.”

“You said something right, though, you know,” Lauren looked at the floor. “I wasn’t just mad about the way you were acting. I was mad…” She closed her eyes. “I was mad that you killed Anslow, and the other convicts. You were right about that. And you were right...about me being a hypocrite.”

“I shouldn’t have called you that, either.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Wanting answers doesn’t make you a hypocrite, Lauren.”

“But wanting revenge does.” She opened her eyes now and looked at him. “...You know you’re dangerous for me to be around.”

“I know.”

“You know I have very little reason to forgive you.”

“...I know.”

But Lauren took a step closer to him, and then another, ignoring the shaking in her legs. Finally she looked him in the eye, this time keeping her gaze steady, even if her brain screamed at her to break her stare. Her hands were clammy as she dug the nails of her free hand into her palm.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“But I forgive you anyway.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Just like that.

And the weight was gone.

The pressure.

The burden.

The suffocation.

It was all gone.

Just by those words.

There was no punishment.

She forgave him. She forgave him.

  
  


_She forgives me._

  
  


“And you better be grateful, because I could’ve very easily—”

Without warning, Kieran altogether collapsed.

He crumbled to his knees in front of her, bowing his head low. Almost like in prayer. His hair fell in front of his eyes so she couldn’t see them. “Kieran…” She was breathless at the sight of him. She took a step back.

“Lauren…” He whispered, in that same helpless voice from before. He sounded near tears. _“Do you really forgive me?”_

He couldn’t believe it. And a part of her couldn’t believe she did, either. But Lauren was tired of holding onto things, of holding onto her own pain. Of reopening wounds instead of allowing them to heal. So Lauren forgave him now. She did. “I do.”

_“Why?”_

“What the hell do you mean, ‘why’?”

“I don’t deserve your mercy.”

Lauren sighed, and after a pause, knelt down in front of him on the floor, too, though she was unable to look at him. She’d been closer to him before, but somehow she felt nearer to him than she’d ever been. Like she could just reach out and touch him. But she wouldn’t. That would be like touching the moon, something far away and hard to grasp. All she could do was offer him her words.

“One way or another...all we get are things we don’t deserve.”

Kieran looked up at her then, so she stood up and offered him her hand, still looking away from him. He slipped his hand into hers, and there was something so familiar about it. His hand in hers. The beginning of something. A revival. Or maybe a rebirth.

Kieran pulled himself to his feet, and finally, Lauren brought herself to look into his eyes.

They looked different somehow.

  
  


“I’m late for patrol, and you have paperwork to do,” she said quietly.

“You’re right.”

“So I’ll see you later, subordinate?”

At that, Kieran allowed himself to smile, and Lauren couldn’t help but smile back, before turning and leaving the office.

And yet, all the while, all Lauren could think was:

_Well, f*ck._

_Things are going to be really awkward tomorrow._

**Author's Note:**

> (Realistically, if Kieran were to ever explicitly apologize to Lauren for hurting her, I wouldn't want it all resolved within the span of one scene. However I wrote this solely for my own peace of mind okay ;; )
> 
> Hello and thank you to anyone who ends up reading this by some strange twist of fate! This is my first time posting any sort of fanfic whatsoever, so I'm fairly nervous but excited c:


End file.
